someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
