Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
