Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
