When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
