So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
