My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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