how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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