I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
