Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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