I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
