I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
