On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Found your dick twin last night
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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