My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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