I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
