i wish my penis had a tongue
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
