I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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