alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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