her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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