Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i believe in u and ur pee
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
