Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
