i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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