I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
