UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
