I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My vagina is officially offended.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
