My friends, they love my intelligence
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
