Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
