Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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