I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize