toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
