I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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