I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
