She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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