we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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