did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize