Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Randomize