after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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