So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
