You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
