hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
