I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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