tell your sister to shave her snatch
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
