my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
