ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Your penis caused this!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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