I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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