I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
