Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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