did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
