Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
