She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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