You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
