am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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