I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
