I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
