May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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