I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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