dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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