allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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