i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize