and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
