Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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