I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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