I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
