He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize