At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
