oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
