Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize